80 to 1 chance of being tortured, killed, and raped

in that order

also known as the longest, most fucked up e-mail i have ever received:

Dear Slapnutz. I am a pianist of the Piano Society, and I have heard
all of your remarkably beautiful playing. It was really gorgeous!
Accordingly, I am writing yo you personally to express my deepest hope
that you will participate in the project described below. You are
obviously one of our very best pianists, and it would be a great loss
if you would deprive us of knowing more about your life and general
views ! So please join us!r

I would very much like to meet you. Do you ever come East? If so. and
if you would ever like to spend some time in the beautiful Catskill
Mountains where I reside, you are cordially invited. I have plenty of
room to put you up. together with any friends pr family members you
would bring. I guarantee you a very good time-- what with gorgeous
views, nearby concerts, wonderful friends, three fine pianos and good
video and audio recording equipment, and rare and little known DVDs,
and many other goodies! Sound tempting?

Coming back to the project, you have several months to prepare–
anytime this year is fine, but please let me know now whether you will
participate, which i fervently hope you will !

My best regards,

                                    Here is described the project:

I would like to invite you to participate in a project I am
undertaking that should not only be of considerable interest in itself,
but should also be of financial benefit to the Piano Society. I have
discussed this with both Robert and Chris, and they both like the idea.

The plan is to make a book in which each of you pianists of the
Society contributes a really comprehensive profile of yourself
consisting of the story of your life, you tastes, your views, not only
on music , but also on other aspects of life–art, literature,
philosophy, ethics, religion, politics,social issues, or anything else
that interests you. You should of course include a photograph. Your
life story should not be a mere dry catalogue of events, but should
read like an absorbing narrative with especial emphasis on particularly
interesting incidents in your life that you feel will intrigue the
reader. If you can throw in some humor, so much the better! I am
sending you my own profile to indicate the sort of thing I have in
mind. The idea is to get the reader to think "Sounds like an
interesting person! "
I really think that such a book would be quite interesting, not only
to members of the Society, but to musicians in general, as well as
cultured people in other fields. I am not making this book for any
financial gain, for as I have told Chris and Robert, all earnigs of the
book will go to the Piano Society.

I do hope that you will be part of the project, because I believe you
have something interesting to say. There is no deadline; take your own
sweet time. You can send me your contribution either by PM or by e-mail
, which seems to be faster. My e-mail address is:

Best regards,


Here is my profile

I would describe myself as more Apollonian than Dionysian --I prefer
lyricism to drama. I am intensely jnterested in
mysticism and religion, though I belong to no creed. I am interested in
comparative religion – I would like to know what possible truth lies
behind the various religions of the world. I believe that all religions
are approaching the truth, but none have yet completely found it. The
book that has had the most influence on me on these matters is
COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS, by Richard Bucke, whose theme is that a new type
of consciousness is slowly coming to the human race through the process
of evolution, and that the mystics of the past, as also many religious
leaders, artists and poets, were cases of advanced cosmic
consciousness. Bucke cites the writings of many of these people, and
they are really remarkable. I cannot recommend this book too highly!

On questions of ethics, I am quite concerned about the prevalence of
retributive ethics-- the belief that evil-doers deserve to suffer for
their evil. I believe this attitude is a major factor retarding the
advance of civilization. I predict that the decline of retributive
ethics, the decline in wars, and the decline in crime will come to the
human race hand in hand.

Politically, I am an extreme liberal, but not about all issues–for
example, I absolutely refuse to be “politically correct”! Indeed ,I am
an independent cuss, and my epitaph will be:


I was born in Far Rockaway N.Y., a place I mournfully miss, My mother
told me that when I was only a couple of months old, whenever I was
wheeled outside in a baby carriage and heard a bird sing, I would sing
back the very same note, from which she inferred that I had musical
talent. When I was about three, I would go to the piano and improvise,
usually in the key of F# major, and whatever I was playing, I would
call “Happiness” . One day, when I was four, my mother was in the next
room on the telephone, and I went to the piano and played the first
theme of “My Country T’is of Thee”. She laughed pleasantly, and came
over to me and said:“Let’s play a little game.You turn your back and
I’ll strike a note, and you see if you can tell me what it is.” She
thus discovered that I had absolute pitch. I had this very well as a
child, but have gradually lost it in my adulthood. At this point, I
hear all notes 3 half steps too high. I understand that Alicia de
Larroche has the same problem.

During my boyhood my main interest was not music, but science. I built
my own radio and I fitted out a nice chemical laboratory and I
installed a neat wire connection between my house and the house next
door of my friend. and we could communicate with each other. As for
music, I studied both piano and violin. The day before I entered the
New York Music Week Association Contest for the second time, I got up
early before my parents awoke, and with my friend, we took the canoe,
that we had built, down to the ocean. We didn’t know that we were
supposed to put lead on the keel, and so the boat overturned several
times and dumped us into the water! My parents were horrified that I
should have done this just before the day of the contest, but
nevertheless, I won the gold medal.

In high school, I fell in love with mathematics and was torn between
it and music. I played violin in the school orchestra, but soon gave up
the violin in favor of the piano. Curiously enough, the only courses I
ever failed in
high school and college were in music! In the high school orchestra,
the teacher who conducted, told me that I played very well but
nevertheless failed me! In Music Appreciation course, after I had
accompanied a student who sang, and and after playing some solos, the
teacher called me a “genius” and invited me to her house, where we
4-hands, and at the end of the semester failed me! In college, I played
the Beethoven concerto #1 with the university orchestra ad got a rave
newspaper review, and also the conductor spoke most highly of my
playing to several people, and at the end of the semester, failed me!
These are mysteries I have never solved.

I was a high school dropout and got into college by taking college
board exams. In college I had difficulty in getting a tuition
scholarship. since the deciding committee didn’t look kindly on the
eccentricity of a freshman taking graduate courses in mathematics. I
got a scholarship only after my third try. Shortly before that, the
pianist Gunnar Johansen, with whom I was then studying, said to me:“If
they don’t now give you a scholarship, I’ll pay for your tuition
myself.” Fortunately he didn’t have to, but I can never get over his
kindness! I understand that he has financially helped several talented

At the University of Chicago, where I got my bachelors degree, I
worked my way through college as a close-up magician. People often
asked me whether I have ever sawed any ladies in half. I would reply
that I have sawed dozens of ladies in half, and I’m learning the second
half of the trick now!

Strangely enough, I was appointed as an instructor at Dartmouth
College before I had a bachelors degree(or even a high school diploma)
on the basis of papers I had written on mathematical logic. The
University of Chicago finally gave me the degree by giving me credit
for courses I had never taken, but successfully taught, such as
freshman calculus.

I would have become a professianal l pianist, had I not developed a
bad case of tendonitus in my right arm. This settled my choice of
carrier. I got my Ph.D. at Princeton University. While I was a graduate
student there, I frequently visited New York city, and on one of my
visits , I met a very charming lady musician, At one point I used a
very clever logic trick which caused her to owe me a kiss! Instead of
collecting the kiss I suggested we play for double or nothing. She,
being a good sport, agreed. So she soon owed me two kisses, then with
another trick four, then eight, the sixteen–then things kept doubling
and escalading and doubling and escaladig, and before I knew it, I was
married! And I’ve been married to Blanche, the charming lady musician,
for 48 wonderful years. She was a pianist and teacher and headed a
flourishing music school in New York city, where many instruments were
taught, as well as theory and composition. She had an excellent staff,
which included such musicians as the cellist Leonard Rose, the New York
Woodwind Quintet and some members of the Juilliard Quartet.

Unfortunately Blanche passed away last year at the ripe old age of
100( though she looked no older than late seventies). I made a lovely
documentary of her life in which she relates many remarkable incidents.
There is one particularly moving incident which I would like to be
widely known, because it shows how unexpectedly wonderful some people
can sometimes be! When Blanche was a little girl in Belgium during the
first world war, the Germans invaded Belgium and several German
officers stationed themselves in her house.Then, in Blanche’s own
words, " One officer in particular sat by my side for hours while I was
practicing, and when he went back to Germany on a furlough, on his
return here, he–my so called “enemy”–brought me back wonderful gifts
of rare and valuable music editions which we could never have

I find this most touching! As one of my friends wisely remarked:" In
music, there are no enemies".

DA FUCK?!?!?!?!?

Whatah beautiful story 8)

So did ya agree?

Sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.

Even if you don’t get killed or raped, and he’s actually nice, I don’t see how it wouldn’t be torture.

Shit, sounds like a book that will sell exactly 3 copies.

(the 3 includes the interviewer, interviewee, and the publisher) :rudy:


I vil preordah diz zheeyat 8) :comme:

i’ve read a copy of that book already.

Hostel was intense. The blowtorch to the azian’s eye was sick.

i’ll buy the book in zupport…


haha tru but dat poztah iz a bit mizleadin, dat sheeyat iz not in da movie

i found it CG on da tv commercialz when dey zaid ‘quentin tarantino prezentz’

da QT involvement wuz juz

tru diz movie iz wikid…u can uze ma name to promote it :ho:

definately a good movie in the old slasher fashion