Reuters/ A 20-year-old man found mysteriously dead

On May 7, a 20-year-old man (his name was later found to be “Steven”) was found dead in his house near Amble, Northumberland. The incident is being investigated by the local police. However, the cause of death is yet to be determined. The police reports indicate sightings of “large puddles of semen” and “keyboard with a large bulge in the middle, resembling a shape of an embryo” at the location of the incident.

“I never really knew someone lived next door,” a puzzled neighbor remarks, “He was a quiet, shy man. But I did hear inexplicable “thumps” and “splashes” that disturbed me a bit.”

The cadaver is to be buried at the Amble Public Cemetery on May 10 after a brief service at the Seaside Presbyterian Church. Renowned pianist Marc-Andre Hamelin will perform Liszt Sonata in B minor to commemorate this event during the service /Reuters May 6

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This just in:

The programme will be changed to Alkan’s symphony for piano solo instead of the Liszt sonata.